On the Table and Dreaming
Justin Phillips
April 1, 2002
Open and close. Open and close. Open and close. The motion-activated doors of the Cancer Care Center pulse back and forth even though no one is entering or leaving, letting gusts of biting winter into the waiting room. They say there's nothing they can do about it, that the door opens because of "the wind." Not exactly the answer you want to hear while anticipating your day's treatment. You'd expect a place of medical care to present a better model of efficiency-after all, if the electronic doors can be opened by nothing but air, who's to say Billy Joe's chemo treatment won't be pre-empted because someone decided to change the radio station? Such are the disastrous scenarios you'll use to pass time for the next few weeks.
Weakness. That's the first thing you feel when you lie down on the cold, steel table, day after day. You know the drill by now: tilt your head back until the base of your skull rests against your neck, then the technicians tape your chin to the back of the table so that you can't get out of position. Anticipating the treatment has left you mentally empty, coming to the table only able to wonder if the entire exercise is doing any good. Is this "cure" or "torture"? Some days it's debatable whether there's any difference between the two. Nonetheless, you have to go. Dave Matthews Band is running through your mind at this point-"Ants Marching," the song is always "Ants Marching."
You lie down and think about January 5, 1998, six weeks ago though it seems like yesterday. The family stands in the doorway, looking picture-perfect, except for the reddened eyes that let you know bad news has to be delivered in person. You'd gone back to school a few days after the biopsy, expecting-no, hoping-the results would show ...
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