"Pastor, I'm Leaving"
John Cionca
All sorrow and suffering are designed to teach us lessons we would not or could not learn in any other way.
Max Heindel
Three of the most painful words pastors ever hear are "Pastor, I'm leaving." The message they convey is the opposite of what we want to hear. The temptation to take the news personally is almost irresistible. We wonder, What did I do or fail to do that's causing them to leave? And then comes the agonizing question, How could they do this to me? The hurt and self-doubt never get easier, even though the situation is inevitable.
John Cionca, dean of students at Bethel Seminary and former pastor of Southwood Baptist Church in Woodbury, New Jersey, asked fellow pastors how they have handled the pain of losing members and what lessons they have learned from the experience about making something good come out of it. He tells what has helped, and he also suggests how best to handle the situation so as to maximize the possibility that those leaving may someday return.
When Jack, a fellow pastor and friend, arrived for dinner, I could see he was troubled. Later he revealed the source of his dejection: "Today one of my key leaders told me he's leaving the church." The member wasn't moving out of town. Just leaving.
While Jack spoke, I felt my own anger and hurt resurfacing from similar experiences in the pastorate. I wanted to help him, but other than sharing his discouragement over the loss of disgruntled members, how could I?
I decided to ask a dozen colleagues how they handle the emotional fallout from dropout members.
A Common Denominator
All of them share a sense of failure when a family leaves the church. A pastor in the Southwest admitted: "Sometimes I have been able to say, 'Well, you can't win them all.' But when ...
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