Reaching an Unwilling Family Member
I have on my table a violin string. It is free. I twist one end of it and it responds. It is free. But it is not free to do what a violin string is supposed to do — to produce music. So I take it, fix it in my violin and tighten it until it is taut. Only then is it free to be a violin string.
Sir Rabindranath Tagore
I'm a Christian. My husband is not, and he's making life miserable for me. He doesn't want to make our marriage any better. Would you change him?"
It's one of the most frequent, and most difficult, situations for a pastor — dealing with the unwilling family member. At times, this truly is the situation — the husband is simply unwilling to expend any energy to love his wife.
Other times, however, it's hard to get the actual facts of the case. Maybe the husband's unwillingness is only part of the problem. Perhaps the wife needs to make changes that will create the change in her husband.
"It happens all the time," says one pastor in the Northwest. "Our staff jokes about it. If someone tells us 'Everybody else is going crazy!' that's the person who's driving everyone crazy. Despite the fact that he or she is the one coming to the pastor, often the person presenting the problem doesn't want help. That person just wants us to 'fix' everyone else."
Josh and Shirley, a couple in that church, are an example. Josh had been involved with several women before he and Shirley both became Christians. After indicating he wanted to grow in Christ, Josh then had another affair, and Shirley kicked him out of the house. He asked for her forgiveness, and she took him back.
But now after any squabble, she kicks him out of the house. "It's become almost a reflex," explains the pastor. "They're so locked into roles where Shirley plays the ...
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