Doctors of Spin
January 1, 1996
A district superintendent often assists local churches in their search for new pastors. If the D.S. calls you as a potential candidate, the D.S. will try to give you a feel for the congregation. To help pastors translate these assessments, we submit the following list:
When the District Superintendent says, "I just need someone to go in there and love the people."
What the D.S. means is, This group is on the verge of a major church split.
D.S. SAYS: "This church simply needs an injection of new life."
D.S. MEANS: The senior adult class constitutes 90 percent of the membership.
D.S. SAYS: "There's a good core of young marrieds in the church."
D.S. MEANS: The young marrieds Sunday school class has been going for 42 years, and they haven't bothered to change their name.
D.S. SAYS: "This congregation has an involved, well-mobilized laity."
D.S. MEANS: They've demanded recall votes of the last six pastors.
D.S. SAYS: "With a little bit of time, this church could bust loose."
D.S. MEANS: The most cantankerous church boss is experiencing health problems and may die soon.
D.S. SAYS: "This church offers a competitive salary package."
D.S. MEANS: It's on par with what the cashier at Wal-Mart makes.
D.S. SAYS: "This church features uplifting music."
D.S. MEANS: The organist is so bad she makes your hair stand on end.
D.S. SAYS: "The building is highly visible."
D.S. MEANS: The property is located so far off the beaten path that there's open space for miles around.
D.S. SAYS: "The leadership is very, very stable."
D.S. MEANS: The last time there was turnover on the church board was during the Eisenhower administration
D.S. SAYS: "You won't believe the benefits."
D.S. MEANS: There are none.
D.S. SAYS: "I know you're the one for the job."
D.S. MEANS: Please ...
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