 |  Putting the pieces together for today's households
Spring 2002
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The Nearly Wed's Fight Club
April 1, 2002
"For our next session I'd like you to come with something to fight about. I won' t take sides. I just like to watch people talk, and then I'll offer some feedback."
That usually gets the couple's attention. It makes for lively, interesting premarital counseling. It's also effective.
I have been doing this "come-and-have-a-fight" technique for seven years. It started when I moved to a new pastorate on the coast of Maine. Our picturesque, high-steepled church sits on the village green. It's the focal point of our town. Locals drive by every day, and vacationers pass by on their way to the beach. Through the years many young women have apparently said to themselves, "When I get married, I want it to be in that church." So, we do a lot of weddings, 40 to 70 each year.
I don't want to be a pastor-for-hire. It's important that I minister to each couple before performing their wedding ceremony. In my last parish, a small country church, I did far fewer weddings, four to eight a year. I would meet with each couple for five or six counseling sessions prior to their wedding. I would toss out topics over the weeks, hoping to hit on something I could help with.
"Have you talked about children?"
"Will you both work outside the home?"
"Have you come up with a workable budget?"
"How do you handle differences?"
"How were anger, affection, and gender roles handled in your families growing up?"
The most meaningful sessions were when the couple disagreed on something and started talking about it with each other in front of me. I got to see a slice of their relationship and could offer them some feedback and coaching. Best of all, it felt like ministry—pastoral counseling even!
Now I simply do not have time to toss out topic after topic. How a couple ...
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